Why? Why Not?

Today's workout was hard. Its was the hardest one yet and it was the first time I was really looking forward to it. I partially blame Valerie and her evilness for the pain and discomfort but mostly it was me.

I got new shoes that helped my knees not feel like they were on fire. I've been working out all week so I'm not starting from square one again. I've even been good on my calories and water intake. So why was today so miserable? And when I say miserable I do mean I was crying and contemplating how to seriously hurt or kill myself or Valerie. It wasn't one of those fun endorphin high workouts that everyone says you are sure to have when you go to the gym.

Val kept telling me not to shut down and asking what was wrong. Well, after a minute on the stupid elliptical I was having muscle spasms in my legs (which is totally new for me). Of course the more I stopped or begged for mercy the more she'd push and say she doesn't want to hear it. It hurt so freaking bad. Then she started saying this is where your mantra comes in. So I close my eyes and starting saying over and over "You can so do this, you don't think you can, but you can so do this!" Yeah, that lasted maybe a minute and suddenly I was screaming at myself in my head, you are a fucking liar! You are a lying piece of shit. If I could SO do this, then why the heck does it hurt? Why am I begging for anything other than this? Then I started thinking about our other work outs. The first week I ran for the first time in YEARS, probably even a decade. The second week we did a 5K. I didn't run it all, but I ran a little. But now, here I am with hopes and dreams of running the Disney marathon but I can't even get through 1 mile on an elliptical machine? So all of a sudden my mantra became you're a lying piece of shit. And it hurt. All of it hurt. My body, my mind, my spirit.

This week has been tough on my emotionally and mentally. I am preparing for a couple of good sized photo shoots (a wedding, 2 first communions and 2 confirmations in 2 months) and I keep having all these nightmares about how I won't be good enough. I will miss the crucial shot or my batteries will die or something awful will happen. This hit its peak Friday night and I went to bed confident that I was just not going to cut it as a photographer. And if I would fail at that, why should I be able to succeed at weight loss?

I don't feel like I have ever succeeded at anything. I always go in so gungho and then fizzle out for one reason or another. I didn't finish highschool, just enough to get into college, which I didn't finish either because I wanted to move around. I got my dream job (and I do mean dream job, I would have done anything to keep this job forever and would actually do anything to get it back) and then suddenly it was gone in the blink of an eye. At theater I went in with the intention of one day directing shows. That never happened. Its like I allow myself to not be good enough. Sometimes I even make myself not good enough, as if I know its my place to not be happy or succeed. I've always been aware of this too. Like when my parents didn't say they were proud of me, I assumed it was because there was no reason to be. When guys weren't asking me out I assumed it was because I wasn't worth their time. I still assume these things.

But why? Why should I be anything less than awesome? Why do I feel like I HAVE to fail? I wish I knew.

And as for this journey... Why not? Why should this be the same as all the others? Why not prove them wrong? I wish I knew what made me tick enough to just say, Clair, you're insane, your legs hurt but you'll live, now keep moving! Maybe that's part of what I have to find while I do this. Maybe I have to find whatever it is inside myself that holds me back from ever really doing anything worthwhile and kill it. I was fantasizing about different ways to kill Val on the elliptical about 15 minutes into it (sorry Val, but its true) but maybe I need to turn that anger and hurt towards the thing that is stopping me. Towards whatever that voice is that says "You're a lying piece of shit." Because honestly, that voice is the liar. I AM doing this. I haven't stopped counting calories and I still plan to make time for my workouts this week. Its not weigh in day so I don't know how many pounds if any I lost, but who cares about the scale. Its about keeping going and being healthier.

The other thing Val said to me today when I was trying to give up was Show up for me! I like that. I need to show up for myself with all this and not try to lock down. This is important. The cost and the rewards are all mine (although those who see me will get fringe benefits when I don't look half bad in a bathing suit anymore).

Anyhow, just wanted to get my thoughts out there. Val kept asking what was going through my head, but I couldn't say it because every time I tried I'd cry. So there you go Val, you made me cry today. You and your STUPID elliptical, wall sits, laps, running, deadlifts, toss, sit-ups and whatever that superman thing is... But I put in my 2 hours today. I don't know that I'm proud of myself today, actually I know I'm not. But I'm working on it.