Challenges

So I have never really been the type of person who put forth a challenge and then managed to actually accomplish it. I think my life story more than attests to this. I got involved in theater so I could direct. There were steps and I took them. Then when I was this close... I quit. Now I'm scared to go back and ask the same question and be told there is just not way. The same with high school. It was too hard to learn a language, English was too easy to BS through and I was bored with everything. So I quit. Took the SAT and applied for college. Then I got to college. I loved it. Other people were challenging me in ways that I thought I could handle. And I was praised for being good at it. Then as soon as it got too hard or something newer came along... I quit. Sure, I always swore I'd go back. And yeah, every time I quit I said it was for this reason or that. Heck, some of them were good reasons, but it doesn't change the fact that I quit.

On this journey I will admit that my biggest fear is the challenge. Because while some people get sparked by the challenge, I get sparked by the journey. So when it gets hard or I don't like the results, I just quit. My goal is to change this. Why shouldn't I be able to take a challenge head on? Why should the best I can do for myself is be a flavor of the week kind of person? I owe myself so much more than this.

I started this journey for me. I will continue this journey for me. Its not for you. Its not for anyone. Its so that I can be happy with myself. Its so that when my son is at the playground and says Run with me mommy, I don't have to look at him and say mommy can't. Its so that when my husband makes love to me I don't have to tell him to hurry up because my legs are about to give out. Its so when I go shopping with my sisters I can actually shop with them, not on another floor in the plus size department. Its so when someone asks me to sit on an old porch swing I don't have to say no because I'm terrified I'll break the swing, porch or both!

What do I want out of this? My goals? Well, everyone wants a number of pounds you are aiming for. I don't really care about the pounds. Its about being smaller and healthier. If I have to put a number on it, I'm aiming for 170. This sounds healthy to me. And do-able. Maybe in a year I'll realize 150 is just as doable but for now 170 is my goal. That's roughly 100 pounds. I can do that in a year if I stick to it.

Other goals I want to accomplish:

• I want to be able to shop of Victoria's Secret again. It sounds petty, but I haven't felt attractive in years, and I want to.
• I want to be able to wear knee high boots. I have always said that shoes are one size fits all and it doesn't matter if I'm big. Except for knee high boots.
  
• I want to be able to run and chase Aidan around without hurting myself.
  
• I want to be able to share clothes with at least one of my sisters. I've never been able to do this. I have always been bigger than all of them.
  
• I want to go to Six Flags and not question if I can fit on the ride.
  
• I want to go to Disney World and be able to spend all day in the parks without stopping to rest.
• I want to accomplish something big like run a marathon. Not because I want to run, but because I want to say I CAN. Besides, the Disney Marathon looks like too much fun not to do it once.
  
• I want Aidan to be proud of me.
• I want my husband to be proud of me.

I'm sure there's more to it, but for now, that's what I have. Most of it is so petty. The biggest thing I want is to show my family that I am so much more than what they think I am. I feel like I've always been nothing but a let down. The big family screw up. The one you don't have in your wedding because she's the only one who wouldn't fit in the dress. But those are the little things that drive me.

And don't think that because this sounds negative that any of it is. Its more about me facing what is and what isn't. Right now, today, this is what's on my mind. And the biggest thing running through my head today is this:

You don't think I can, but I can SO do this!

This is the start

So I weighed in this last Monday, March 21st as my new starting place. I weighed 272.3lbs. This is way higher than I want to be. So I'm off. I don't have much time to post tonight but I wanted to start this blog so I can remember where I came from when I finally get there.

Val dragged my butt to the gym this morning. It was fun, but boy was it work. I think I enjoy the challenge of having to do as well as someone else. Even though she's way beyond me and my abilities I still felt the drive to go as hard as she could. And now I HURT. Ow. But I realized some things. I really exercised for the first time today in about 7 years. I haven't walked/run that far in at least that long. And it felt good to know I could still do it. I also ran. It didn't hit me until tonight, but I RAN today. It wasn't far and it wasn't long, but gosh darn it, I RAN! I can't remember the last time I actually ran. Probably somewhere along the lines of 13 years.

I'll get into more of the revelations I had today while working out but for now I have to run. I'll leave with this. This song is going to be my anthem for this whole journey. It really speaks to me and how I feel about this weight and my ability to get out from under it and let the world see the shine of the real me.

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag,
drifting through the wind
wanting to start again?
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
like a house of cards,
one blow from caving in?

Do you ever feel already buried deep?
6 feet under screams but no one seems to hear a thing
Do you know that there's still a chance for you
'Cause there's a spark in you

You just gotta ignite, the light, and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July

'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh"
You're gonna leave 'em all in awe, awe, awe

You don't have to feel like a waste of space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow

Maybe your reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will glow
And when it's time, you'll know

You just gotta ignite, the light, and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July

'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, Oh, Oh"
You're gonna leave 'em all in awe, awe, awe

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It's always been inside of you, you, you
And now it's time to let it through-ough-ough

'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, Oh, Oh"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, Oh, Oh"
You're gonna leave 'em all in awe, awe, awe

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon