Traditions, Anniversaries and Change

When I started this blog, it was all about my fitness journey.  That journey got put on hold when I found myself pregnant by some miracle.  But now I find myself feeling the need to write again.  Instead of deleting the old posts or starting a whole new blog, I'm just going to pick up where my mind takes me.  Join me if you wish.  Or don't.  I'm not really doing this for anyone but me anyhow.  Sometimes words just need to be put out there or they boil inside you until it hurts so bad you stay in bed all day.  I can't speak these words just now, so I'll write them.

I have always been irrationally attached to repeating things.  I love traditions!  As a kid, if something happened we all enjoyed I would declare it a tradition, mark the date and make sure to insist on repeating it every year.  Many of our childhood traditions came from my dad and his family.  Setting up the wax people at Christmas, just so of course; picking out the perfect Christmas tree based on sparseness for hanging ornaments, pulling the branches to see how many needles fall off, and of course the smell; Easter morning being filled with the call of "Jesus is Risen!" to which you had to respond "He is Risen Indeed!" and if you didn't answer with enough enthusiasm, just like summer camp he'd call out again; birthdays starting with breakfast in bed and opening the Fox Family Gift Box...

These moments, these "traditions" shaped my world.  They made me who I am, and honestly, they made my childhood a happy one.  When I was having a bad day, I could always look ahead to the next tradition filled day coming soon and know it would be better.  I started this habit around 6 or 7 so really, for most of my life and my childhood, its how I functioned.  By 14 or so my family would tease me about my tradition obsession and remark "do we really need to make this a tradition?" with increasing frequency.  What was cute as a child had become too much as a teen.

Then came my teen/college/young adult years and I learned a new lesson about repeating.  Anniversaries became equally important.  With the same passion I remembered (I was blessed/cursed with an excellent memory) every day that was significant.  My first date?  My first gift from a boy?  My first kiss?  My first break up?  My first awful date?  Yeah, I could tell you all of them.  And probably could still give you at least the month and year 20 years later.  Most of these anniversaries were happy events to remember but then life got hard, as it does.  The anniversaries were no longer all happy.  Actually, for a little while there they were all awful.  The months of June, July and August were filled with terrible things and year after year I would spend those months in a dark, deep depression.  Even 10 years later, I would still enter the summer months knowing it would be my dark time.

Where am I going with all this?  Well, I'll tell you.  It's been 14 years since the summer of suck that started my darkness.  I have been through tons of therapy, doctors, medications, and more and for the most part I'm able to separate myself from those memories.  Then we moved.  In June.  Its been a tough month.  A month filled with memories of all I left behind.  Of those first days in TX where the heat felt stifling.  Of coming into an empty house and spending a week without a couch.  Of those first days where I had to skype my friends back home daily to keep going.  Of needing the GPS to get to the grocery store.  Of that terrifying night where I needed an ER for Sam but couldn't find one and my neighbors were less than helpful.  It was hard.  Every bit of it was hard.  We left behind a lot.  I left behind a lot.  My job, my passions, my friends, my family, the place where I grew up, the beauty of the mountains, my mom's grave, radio stations I knew, stores I could find, a parish that I loved and was deeply involved in....

Sometimes change is a good thing.  Most times change is a hard thing, at least for me.  I've become so dependent on my routines, my traditions, my anniversaries.  They are the clock to which my life beats out a rhythm.  Sometimes the beats are loud and harsh.  Sometimes they are soft and soothing.  But they are always there.  A constant reminder. 

Where am I a year later?  Well, I no longer need the GPS most days.  I'm back at the doctor trying to make sure my meds are right.  I still don't think I know where a "good" ER is for Sam, but I do know where one is if I need it.  I am still feeling out the passions thing and how to find a way here in a new place.  I've learned there are amazing people everywhere if you only know to look.  I've also grown to truly appreciate what I had in GA, because I'm not sure if you can appreciate those relationships until things change.  I have found some radio stations to listen to, I have a favorite Kroger, and our new parish is awesome. 

My mom used to always tell me that with great grief comes great growth, and that you really couldn't have one without the other.  I don't think I understood that until recently.  They don't call them growing pains for nothing.  At 34, I think I still have quite a bit of growing to do.  I'm still stunned by bad anniversaries.  I still check timehop daily for the reminders of all the good days I had.  I'm not sure I can change the fact that these things are deeply meaningful to me.  But maybe I don't have to change everything. 

Pushing through the pain

Wow, so its been almost 3 weeks since that last update. Feels like way longer since I had just joined the gym that day. I'm well settled into my routine now of going in every morning. Aidan had a rough time at first with the day care, but after about a week of fussing he now wakes up every morning and tells me he wants to go to mommy's exercises place. Brian has been making him say positive exercises because he says both words really well and its so cute, but I digress.

In those 3 weeks I have managed to officially hit my 20 pound loss mark. I have kinda plateaued there though. Its been a week without loss. I'm sure its because of my eating habits, but that's been tough. With summer comes all my favorites like grilled chicken, hot dogs, steak, etc. I LOVE the grill. I'm trying to experiment with new grilled foods like fish or veggies, but I'm kinda chicken about trying something new without a recipe. I will also be honest and say that Easter was a bit of a set back for me (gained about 5 pounds) but I have lost that again so I'm back on track. Hopefully from here on out I'll keep going down and learning more about my body.

My biggest exercise issue right now is pain. I think I have tweeked my knee in spin class this week and feel like I'm spending too much time trying to get it back to normal and not enough time working out. My Couch to 5K training was going so well (I was on week 3) and then bam. I am still learning what kind of pain to push through and what kind to stop and take care of. My other big struggle is that advice #1 is always to take some Advil for the pain. I am on blood thinners and can't do that. So I'm doomed to ice and that's about it. Not that I mind, I just hate not being able to push harder in the gym. Plus I find myself struggling with knowing what pain is ok and not. I'll stop sometimes only to get home and realize I'm fine now and could have kept going. Oh well. I guess its all a learning experience.

So, on the positive here are the wow moments I've had so far:

1. I'm down 20 pounds. I'm officially under 260 which seems silly to most of you skinny folk, but that's a huge number for me. I haven't been under 260 since Aidan was born and it didn't last long then. Before that, it was when Brian and I were dating. Next goal is 250. :-)
2. Slowly I'm able to pull things out of the closet that have been hiding for a while. Like a dress I bought when Aidan was born that I never wore because I gained weight before I got the chance. Or an old shirt I LOVED that didn't fit right last year.
3. I put on my pants and I CANNOT wear them without a belt anymore. I tried and it was an unpleasant Walmart trip with me yanking them up the whole time.
4. I officially am kneeling in church again. I haven't done this in years because my knees hurt too badly.
   
5. I feel better. Just every day I have more energy, I can carry Aidan or hold him longer, I don't shirk away from things because of the activity level. Oh, and Aidan and I run around the house or through a parking lot together at least once a week. I have never "run" with my son before this.
6. I know I'm getting stronger because my work outs with Val on the weekends don't hurt as bad or for as long as they did 2 months ago.
   
7. This past Saturday I ran 1/2 mile non stop at a decent pace.
8. And finally, when I started working out I could go a mile in 19:25. My mile time is now about 15min. That's a 4!!!! min improvement! Wow, I'm awesome. :-)

That's it for today. Just wanted to update. I have had a couple people ask what I'm doing and it makes me so happy to be able to share just a little of it with them. Seriously happy. I have never been so proud of myself for something I've done as I am for what I'm doing now.

Time to show up!

So today was a big step for me. After losing almost 20 pounds and showing Brian that I am serious about this journey, we discussed it and he allowed me to join a gym. I shopped around and found one I like and today I signed a 2 year contract. Eeek! That's 2 years I'm committing to this lifestyle. The scarier thing to me is the fact that I'm not scared! I am energized knowing that I have somewhere to go now for 2 years to work on me. I worked out last night after touring the place and pushed hard on the elliptical. Today I pushed harder on the treadmill but didn't leave the elliptical out either. 2.25 miles on the treadmill in 45 min. I didn't run much so I was slower than I have been. Then I did 13 min on the blasted elliptical. I don't know why I hate that thing so much, but golly do we not get along. The good news is last night I stopped twice. Today I did not stop. I'm pushing as hard as I can to get through.

I feel like I'm in a constant state of sore these days. Not that I'm complaining, but I have to laugh at how worried I was when I started this to feel any aches. HA! I can't remember the last day I didn't ache from a good workout and I'm proud of that!

This week I have taken a break from calorie counting. Its Easter and I wanted to splurge on some of the fun foods I've been missing. I felt like poo Monday and Tuesday because of the soda and crap. So I'm slowly cutting it back out yesterday and today and by this coming Monday I'll be back in business. Ready to reach that first goal of 250lbs! I have until August, but I can so do this before then!

Victories and Goals

The last couple of blogs have been about my challenges and giving myself pep talks. I figured it was time to reward my efforts, quit whining and focus on what I have managed to do so far. :-)

The biggest accomplishment so far is my weight loss. I have been at this for about 5-6 weeks. I have lost a total of 19 pounds. That's huge to me! I started out at 278 (that's a terrifying number to see) and am now down to 259. I haven't been under 260 since Aidan was born. And even then it didn't last more than a summer. I'm so proud of this accomplishment. My first mini goal is to be under 250 before my birthday in August. I have a feeling I'll blow that one out of the water. ;-)

My second largest accomplishment is my fitness. I was scared to start working out and yet here I am. I have started exercising 5 or more times a week. Its not always for long, but it is ALWAYS something I make time for if at all possible. I'm even starting to look forward to it some. Especially my weekly butt-kicking delivered by my personal trainer. She has quickly learned what my buttons are and boy does she challenge me in ways I never thought I could be challenged. The first week I ran. Something I hadn't done in YEARS. The second week we did a 5K together. For those who don't know, that's just over 3 miles. I didn't run all of it, not even half, but I did run some. Plus it was outside with hills (one of my huge workout phobias I'm trying to get over). The following week was a tough work out, but she got me to cry, which means I must have pushed myself and even for that I am a little proud. This week we worked hard again. I felt good about it because I really think she was getting as much of a work out as I was and I was keeping up with her. Today I walked out of that gym with my head held high. I smelled and was soaked in sweat, but I did it. I'd say my biggest accomplishment was doing the stair climber for 10 minutes more than I thought I could and going past the goals Val set for me. And running again. We did a whole lap and I set a good solid pace. I felt I was more than keeping up this time and I could have kept going. Then there were the lunges. Ugh. Anyhow, it was a GREAT work out. The biggest result I'm seeing is even after only 5 weeks of working out (I didn't exercise my first week, only counted calories), I am seeing a NOTICEABLE difference. I am stronger now. Last year during Easter I couldn't kneel for any of the services. This year I knelt for all of them. I'm able to do so much more without being worn out. And even exercising I am able to push myself further than I was last week. That was really what I wanted, and I'm invigorated with the fact I'm seeing results already.

My third big accomplishment is I have changed my mind. Now, even when I go out to eat and say I'm going to splurge I find myself looking for the splurge that fits into my calorie goal. Or the healthier option. I have found myself saying no to treats that I never thought I'd say no to. That's right, I bought a coke icee for my sister and didn't even have 1 sip. Hell might have frozen over that day. ;-) I find myself easily making better choices, and half the time without thinking about it.

The other little fun victory was my jeans. I was able to put on my post Aidan jeans. They aren't quite skinny jeans for me, but they are probably the closest thing I have. And they fit. And are kinda loose. I'm still months away from going shopping and buying smaller sizes, but my belt loop can probably comfortable go down one. :-)

So today my challenges were:
To share my choices. I have until now decided to keep this journey a private one that I shared with only certain people. I did this because of my tendency to fail. I didn't want to go all "I'm dieting!" and then give up and hear all the same snarky remarks I've heard before. (As a side note, I'm sure they are mostly just snarky in my head. I am MUCH harder on myself than the average Joe and tend to exaggerate people's opinions of me, especially when they are negative.) But I have been told its time to quit hiding and let people in on this. So when I finish this post I'm going to link to facebook. Its the quickest way to get the word out. My only request is to please only say anything if you can be supportive. And if you see me eating something "unhealthy", lets assume I'm aware and am probably planning to work it off or deal with the consequences. I hate people who pick at me about my weight, habits, and activities. I have given 2 people permission to kick me in the pants if they think I need it and they know who they are. And Brian is NOT one of them, for the sake of our marriage remaining happy. This is tough. I keep putting it off, but for some reason, this journey feels very personal to me. But I am told it is time and so here I am. My weight displayed for all to see. My challenges, struggles and victories out there for anyone to read about. Please be kind. :-)

My next challenge was to set some goals for myself. Val asked how much I planned to lose total. I said I honestly hadn't thought about it. A number that big terrifies me and I don't want it to be about the almighty pound so much as it is about looking and feeling better. She said she still wants me to have goals. So here they are:

• My first goal was to be more active. I've got that.
• My weight loss mini goal right now is to be under 250 before my birthday (August 6th) and to be able to go to Six Flags without embarrassment for my size on the rides. I'm pretty sure I'll meet that one in plenty of time so I'll let you know what's next when I get there. Probably going to be 230 or less before my anniversary in October.
• My ultimate goal for weight loss is something I struggle with a little more. Everything tells me that healthy weight for me is 148. That sounds WAY too skinny and even unhealthy. I don't want to be as small as I can get, just healthy and small enough to shop at regular stores. Maybe a size 12? Anyhow, I'm going to say my ultimate goal for now is 100 pounds. That will put me at 178. If I get there and want to keep going, we'll adjust then. I'd like to reach it before Aidan turns 5. That gives me until March 27th of 2013.
  
• Besides weight loss I would like to be able to say I have done something. So I will put a fitness goal of running the Disney Marathon in 2013. I secretly want to run one of the Disney half marathons next spring, but we will see if I can get there. I'm not sure how much time it will take to train for it, but I am really enjoying running and looking forward to that part of my work out the most so I want to try and go for it.

So there's my goals. Hopefully I can stay on track and maybe even beat my deadlines!

Why? Why Not?

Today's workout was hard. Its was the hardest one yet and it was the first time I was really looking forward to it. I partially blame Valerie and her evilness for the pain and discomfort but mostly it was me.

I got new shoes that helped my knees not feel like they were on fire. I've been working out all week so I'm not starting from square one again. I've even been good on my calories and water intake. So why was today so miserable? And when I say miserable I do mean I was crying and contemplating how to seriously hurt or kill myself or Valerie. It wasn't one of those fun endorphin high workouts that everyone says you are sure to have when you go to the gym.

Val kept telling me not to shut down and asking what was wrong. Well, after a minute on the stupid elliptical I was having muscle spasms in my legs (which is totally new for me). Of course the more I stopped or begged for mercy the more she'd push and say she doesn't want to hear it. It hurt so freaking bad. Then she started saying this is where your mantra comes in. So I close my eyes and starting saying over and over "You can so do this, you don't think you can, but you can so do this!" Yeah, that lasted maybe a minute and suddenly I was screaming at myself in my head, you are a fucking liar! You are a lying piece of shit. If I could SO do this, then why the heck does it hurt? Why am I begging for anything other than this? Then I started thinking about our other work outs. The first week I ran for the first time in YEARS, probably even a decade. The second week we did a 5K. I didn't run it all, but I ran a little. But now, here I am with hopes and dreams of running the Disney marathon but I can't even get through 1 mile on an elliptical machine? So all of a sudden my mantra became you're a lying piece of shit. And it hurt. All of it hurt. My body, my mind, my spirit.

This week has been tough on my emotionally and mentally. I am preparing for a couple of good sized photo shoots (a wedding, 2 first communions and 2 confirmations in 2 months) and I keep having all these nightmares about how I won't be good enough. I will miss the crucial shot or my batteries will die or something awful will happen. This hit its peak Friday night and I went to bed confident that I was just not going to cut it as a photographer. And if I would fail at that, why should I be able to succeed at weight loss?

I don't feel like I have ever succeeded at anything. I always go in so gungho and then fizzle out for one reason or another. I didn't finish highschool, just enough to get into college, which I didn't finish either because I wanted to move around. I got my dream job (and I do mean dream job, I would have done anything to keep this job forever and would actually do anything to get it back) and then suddenly it was gone in the blink of an eye. At theater I went in with the intention of one day directing shows. That never happened. Its like I allow myself to not be good enough. Sometimes I even make myself not good enough, as if I know its my place to not be happy or succeed. I've always been aware of this too. Like when my parents didn't say they were proud of me, I assumed it was because there was no reason to be. When guys weren't asking me out I assumed it was because I wasn't worth their time. I still assume these things.

But why? Why should I be anything less than awesome? Why do I feel like I HAVE to fail? I wish I knew.

And as for this journey... Why not? Why should this be the same as all the others? Why not prove them wrong? I wish I knew what made me tick enough to just say, Clair, you're insane, your legs hurt but you'll live, now keep moving! Maybe that's part of what I have to find while I do this. Maybe I have to find whatever it is inside myself that holds me back from ever really doing anything worthwhile and kill it. I was fantasizing about different ways to kill Val on the elliptical about 15 minutes into it (sorry Val, but its true) but maybe I need to turn that anger and hurt towards the thing that is stopping me. Towards whatever that voice is that says "You're a lying piece of shit." Because honestly, that voice is the liar. I AM doing this. I haven't stopped counting calories and I still plan to make time for my workouts this week. Its not weigh in day so I don't know how many pounds if any I lost, but who cares about the scale. Its about keeping going and being healthier.

The other thing Val said to me today when I was trying to give up was Show up for me! I like that. I need to show up for myself with all this and not try to lock down. This is important. The cost and the rewards are all mine (although those who see me will get fringe benefits when I don't look half bad in a bathing suit anymore).

Anyhow, just wanted to get my thoughts out there. Val kept asking what was going through my head, but I couldn't say it because every time I tried I'd cry. So there you go Val, you made me cry today. You and your STUPID elliptical, wall sits, laps, running, deadlifts, toss, sit-ups and whatever that superman thing is... But I put in my 2 hours today. I don't know that I'm proud of myself today, actually I know I'm not. But I'm working on it.

Challenges

So I have never really been the type of person who put forth a challenge and then managed to actually accomplish it. I think my life story more than attests to this. I got involved in theater so I could direct. There were steps and I took them. Then when I was this close... I quit. Now I'm scared to go back and ask the same question and be told there is just not way. The same with high school. It was too hard to learn a language, English was too easy to BS through and I was bored with everything. So I quit. Took the SAT and applied for college. Then I got to college. I loved it. Other people were challenging me in ways that I thought I could handle. And I was praised for being good at it. Then as soon as it got too hard or something newer came along... I quit. Sure, I always swore I'd go back. And yeah, every time I quit I said it was for this reason or that. Heck, some of them were good reasons, but it doesn't change the fact that I quit.

On this journey I will admit that my biggest fear is the challenge. Because while some people get sparked by the challenge, I get sparked by the journey. So when it gets hard or I don't like the results, I just quit. My goal is to change this. Why shouldn't I be able to take a challenge head on? Why should the best I can do for myself is be a flavor of the week kind of person? I owe myself so much more than this.

I started this journey for me. I will continue this journey for me. Its not for you. Its not for anyone. Its so that I can be happy with myself. Its so that when my son is at the playground and says Run with me mommy, I don't have to look at him and say mommy can't. Its so that when my husband makes love to me I don't have to tell him to hurry up because my legs are about to give out. Its so when I go shopping with my sisters I can actually shop with them, not on another floor in the plus size department. Its so when someone asks me to sit on an old porch swing I don't have to say no because I'm terrified I'll break the swing, porch or both!

What do I want out of this? My goals? Well, everyone wants a number of pounds you are aiming for. I don't really care about the pounds. Its about being smaller and healthier. If I have to put a number on it, I'm aiming for 170. This sounds healthy to me. And do-able. Maybe in a year I'll realize 150 is just as doable but for now 170 is my goal. That's roughly 100 pounds. I can do that in a year if I stick to it.

Other goals I want to accomplish:

• I want to be able to shop of Victoria's Secret again. It sounds petty, but I haven't felt attractive in years, and I want to.
• I want to be able to wear knee high boots. I have always said that shoes are one size fits all and it doesn't matter if I'm big. Except for knee high boots.
  
• I want to be able to run and chase Aidan around without hurting myself.
  
• I want to be able to share clothes with at least one of my sisters. I've never been able to do this. I have always been bigger than all of them.
  
• I want to go to Six Flags and not question if I can fit on the ride.
  
• I want to go to Disney World and be able to spend all day in the parks without stopping to rest.
• I want to accomplish something big like run a marathon. Not because I want to run, but because I want to say I CAN. Besides, the Disney Marathon looks like too much fun not to do it once.
  
• I want Aidan to be proud of me.
• I want my husband to be proud of me.

I'm sure there's more to it, but for now, that's what I have. Most of it is so petty. The biggest thing I want is to show my family that I am so much more than what they think I am. I feel like I've always been nothing but a let down. The big family screw up. The one you don't have in your wedding because she's the only one who wouldn't fit in the dress. But those are the little things that drive me.

And don't think that because this sounds negative that any of it is. Its more about me facing what is and what isn't. Right now, today, this is what's on my mind. And the biggest thing running through my head today is this:

You don't think I can, but I can SO do this!

This is the start

So I weighed in this last Monday, March 21st as my new starting place. I weighed 272.3lbs. This is way higher than I want to be. So I'm off. I don't have much time to post tonight but I wanted to start this blog so I can remember where I came from when I finally get there.

Val dragged my butt to the gym this morning. It was fun, but boy was it work. I think I enjoy the challenge of having to do as well as someone else. Even though she's way beyond me and my abilities I still felt the drive to go as hard as she could. And now I HURT. Ow. But I realized some things. I really exercised for the first time today in about 7 years. I haven't walked/run that far in at least that long. And it felt good to know I could still do it. I also ran. It didn't hit me until tonight, but I RAN today. It wasn't far and it wasn't long, but gosh darn it, I RAN! I can't remember the last time I actually ran. Probably somewhere along the lines of 13 years.

I'll get into more of the revelations I had today while working out but for now I have to run. I'll leave with this. This song is going to be my anthem for this whole journey. It really speaks to me and how I feel about this weight and my ability to get out from under it and let the world see the shine of the real me.

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag,
drifting through the wind
wanting to start again?
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
like a house of cards,
one blow from caving in?

Do you ever feel already buried deep?
6 feet under screams but no one seems to hear a thing
Do you know that there's still a chance for you
'Cause there's a spark in you

You just gotta ignite, the light, and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July

'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh"
You're gonna leave 'em all in awe, awe, awe

You don't have to feel like a waste of space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow

Maybe your reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will glow
And when it's time, you'll know

You just gotta ignite, the light, and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July

'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, Oh, Oh"
You're gonna leave 'em all in awe, awe, awe

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It's always been inside of you, you, you
And now it's time to let it through-ough-ough

'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, Oh, Oh"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, Oh, Oh"
You're gonna leave 'em all in awe, awe, awe

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon