So today was a big step for me. After losing almost 20 pounds and showing Brian that I am serious about this journey, we discussed it and he allowed me to join a gym. I shopped around and found one I like and today I signed a 2 year contract. Eeek! That's 2 years I'm committing to this lifestyle. The scarier thing to me is the fact that I'm not scared! I am energized knowing that I have somewhere to go now for 2 years to work on me. I worked out last night after touring the place and pushed hard on the elliptical. Today I pushed harder on the treadmill but didn't leave the elliptical out either. 2.25 miles on the treadmill in 45 min. I didn't run much so I was slower than I have been. Then I did 13 min on the blasted elliptical. I don't know why I hate that thing so much, but golly do we not get along. The good news is last night I stopped twice. Today I did not stop. I'm pushing as hard as I can to get through.
I feel like I'm in a constant state of sore these days. Not that I'm complaining, but I have to laugh at how worried I was when I started this to feel any aches. HA! I can't remember the last day I didn't ache from a good workout and I'm proud of that!
This week I have taken a break from calorie counting. Its Easter and I wanted to splurge on some of the fun foods I've been missing. I felt like poo Monday and Tuesday because of the soda and crap. So I'm slowly cutting it back out yesterday and today and by this coming Monday I'll be back in business. Ready to reach that first goal of 250lbs! I have until August, but I can so do this before then!
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Victories and Goals
The last couple of blogs have been about my challenges and giving myself pep talks. I figured it was time to reward my efforts, quit whining and focus on what I have managed to do so far. :-)
The biggest accomplishment so far is my weight loss. I have been at this for about 5-6 weeks. I have lost a total of 19 pounds. That's huge to me! I started out at 278 (that's a terrifying number to see) and am now down to 259. I haven't been under 260 since Aidan was born. And even then it didn't last more than a summer. I'm so proud of this accomplishment. My first mini goal is to be under 250 before my birthday in August. I have a feeling I'll blow that one out of the water. ;-)
My second largest accomplishment is my fitness. I was scared to start working out and yet here I am. I have started exercising 5 or more times a week. Its not always for long, but it is ALWAYS something I make time for if at all possible. I'm even starting to look forward to it some. Especially my weekly butt-kicking delivered by my personal trainer. She has quickly learned what my buttons are and boy does she challenge me in ways I never thought I could be challenged. The first week I ran. Something I hadn't done in YEARS. The second week we did a 5K together. For those who don't know, that's just over 3 miles. I didn't run all of it, not even half, but I did run some. Plus it was outside with hills (one of my huge workout phobias I'm trying to get over). The following week was a tough work out, but she got me to cry, which means I must have pushed myself and even for that I am a little proud. This week we worked hard again. I felt good about it because I really think she was getting as much of a work out as I was and I was keeping up with her. Today I walked out of that gym with my head held high. I smelled and was soaked in sweat, but I did it. I'd say my biggest accomplishment was doing the stair climber for 10 minutes more than I thought I could and going past the goals Val set for me. And running again. We did a whole lap and I set a good solid pace. I felt I was more than keeping up this time and I could have kept going. Then there were the lunges. Ugh. Anyhow, it was a GREAT work out. The biggest result I'm seeing is even after only 5 weeks of working out (I didn't exercise my first week, only counted calories), I am seeing a NOTICEABLE difference. I am stronger now. Last year during Easter I couldn't kneel for any of the services. This year I knelt for all of them. I'm able to do so much more without being worn out. And even exercising I am able to push myself further than I was last week. That was really what I wanted, and I'm invigorated with the fact I'm seeing results already.
My third big accomplishment is I have changed my mind. Now, even when I go out to eat and say I'm going to splurge I find myself looking for the splurge that fits into my calorie goal. Or the healthier option. I have found myself saying no to treats that I never thought I'd say no to. That's right, I bought a coke icee for my sister and didn't even have 1 sip. Hell might have frozen over that day. ;-) I find myself easily making better choices, and half the time without thinking about it.
The other little fun victory was my jeans. I was able to put on my post Aidan jeans. They aren't quite skinny jeans for me, but they are probably the closest thing I have. And they fit. And are kinda loose. I'm still months away from going shopping and buying smaller sizes, but my belt loop can probably comfortable go down one. :-)
So today my challenges were:
To share my choices. I have until now decided to keep this journey a private one that I shared with only certain people. I did this because of my tendency to fail. I didn't want to go all "I'm dieting!" and then give up and hear all the same snarky remarks I've heard before. (As a side note, I'm sure they are mostly just snarky in my head. I am MUCH harder on myself than the average Joe and tend to exaggerate people's opinions of me, especially when they are negative.) But I have been told its time to quit hiding and let people in on this. So when I finish this post I'm going to link to facebook. Its the quickest way to get the word out. My only request is to please only say anything if you can be supportive. And if you see me eating something "unhealthy", lets assume I'm aware and am probably planning to work it off or deal with the consequences. I hate people who pick at me about my weight, habits, and activities. I have given 2 people permission to kick me in the pants if they think I need it and they know who they are. And Brian is NOT one of them, for the sake of our marriage remaining happy. This is tough. I keep putting it off, but for some reason, this journey feels very personal to me. But I am told it is time and so here I am. My weight displayed for all to see. My challenges, struggles and victories out there for anyone to read about. Please be kind. :-)
My next challenge was to set some goals for myself. Val asked how much I planned to lose total. I said I honestly hadn't thought about it. A number that big terrifies me and I don't want it to be about the almighty pound so much as it is about looking and feeling better. She said she still wants me to have goals. So here they are:
The biggest accomplishment so far is my weight loss. I have been at this for about 5-6 weeks. I have lost a total of 19 pounds. That's huge to me! I started out at 278 (that's a terrifying number to see) and am now down to 259. I haven't been under 260 since Aidan was born. And even then it didn't last more than a summer. I'm so proud of this accomplishment. My first mini goal is to be under 250 before my birthday in August. I have a feeling I'll blow that one out of the water. ;-)
My second largest accomplishment is my fitness. I was scared to start working out and yet here I am. I have started exercising 5 or more times a week. Its not always for long, but it is ALWAYS something I make time for if at all possible. I'm even starting to look forward to it some. Especially my weekly butt-kicking delivered by my personal trainer. She has quickly learned what my buttons are and boy does she challenge me in ways I never thought I could be challenged. The first week I ran. Something I hadn't done in YEARS. The second week we did a 5K together. For those who don't know, that's just over 3 miles. I didn't run all of it, not even half, but I did run some. Plus it was outside with hills (one of my huge workout phobias I'm trying to get over). The following week was a tough work out, but she got me to cry, which means I must have pushed myself and even for that I am a little proud. This week we worked hard again. I felt good about it because I really think she was getting as much of a work out as I was and I was keeping up with her. Today I walked out of that gym with my head held high. I smelled and was soaked in sweat, but I did it. I'd say my biggest accomplishment was doing the stair climber for 10 minutes more than I thought I could and going past the goals Val set for me. And running again. We did a whole lap and I set a good solid pace. I felt I was more than keeping up this time and I could have kept going. Then there were the lunges. Ugh. Anyhow, it was a GREAT work out. The biggest result I'm seeing is even after only 5 weeks of working out (I didn't exercise my first week, only counted calories), I am seeing a NOTICEABLE difference. I am stronger now. Last year during Easter I couldn't kneel for any of the services. This year I knelt for all of them. I'm able to do so much more without being worn out. And even exercising I am able to push myself further than I was last week. That was really what I wanted, and I'm invigorated with the fact I'm seeing results already.
My third big accomplishment is I have changed my mind. Now, even when I go out to eat and say I'm going to splurge I find myself looking for the splurge that fits into my calorie goal. Or the healthier option. I have found myself saying no to treats that I never thought I'd say no to. That's right, I bought a coke icee for my sister and didn't even have 1 sip. Hell might have frozen over that day. ;-) I find myself easily making better choices, and half the time without thinking about it.
The other little fun victory was my jeans. I was able to put on my post Aidan jeans. They aren't quite skinny jeans for me, but they are probably the closest thing I have. And they fit. And are kinda loose. I'm still months away from going shopping and buying smaller sizes, but my belt loop can probably comfortable go down one. :-)
So today my challenges were:
To share my choices. I have until now decided to keep this journey a private one that I shared with only certain people. I did this because of my tendency to fail. I didn't want to go all "I'm dieting!" and then give up and hear all the same snarky remarks I've heard before. (As a side note, I'm sure they are mostly just snarky in my head. I am MUCH harder on myself than the average Joe and tend to exaggerate people's opinions of me, especially when they are negative.) But I have been told its time to quit hiding and let people in on this. So when I finish this post I'm going to link to facebook. Its the quickest way to get the word out. My only request is to please only say anything if you can be supportive. And if you see me eating something "unhealthy", lets assume I'm aware and am probably planning to work it off or deal with the consequences. I hate people who pick at me about my weight, habits, and activities. I have given 2 people permission to kick me in the pants if they think I need it and they know who they are. And Brian is NOT one of them, for the sake of our marriage remaining happy. This is tough. I keep putting it off, but for some reason, this journey feels very personal to me. But I am told it is time and so here I am. My weight displayed for all to see. My challenges, struggles and victories out there for anyone to read about. Please be kind. :-)
My next challenge was to set some goals for myself. Val asked how much I planned to lose total. I said I honestly hadn't thought about it. A number that big terrifies me and I don't want it to be about the almighty pound so much as it is about looking and feeling better. She said she still wants me to have goals. So here they are:
- My first goal was to be more active. I've got that.
- My weight loss mini goal right now is to be under 250 before my birthday (August 6th) and to be able to go to Six Flags without embarrassment for my size on the rides. I'm pretty sure I'll meet that one in plenty of time so I'll let you know what's next when I get there. Probably going to be 230 or less before my anniversary in October.
- My ultimate goal for weight loss is something I struggle with a little more. Everything tells me that healthy weight for me is 148. That sounds WAY too skinny and even unhealthy. I don't want to be as small as I can get, just healthy and small enough to shop at regular stores. Maybe a size 12? Anyhow, I'm going to say my ultimate goal for now is 100 pounds. That will put me at 178. If I get there and want to keep going, we'll adjust then. I'd like to reach it before Aidan turns 5. That gives me until March 27th of 2013.
- Besides weight loss I would like to be able to say I have done something. So I will put a fitness goal of running the Disney Marathon in 2013. I secretly want to run one of the Disney half marathons next spring, but we will see if I can get there. I'm not sure how much time it will take to train for it, but I am really enjoying running and looking forward to that part of my work out the most so I want to try and go for it.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Why? Why Not?
Today's workout was hard. Its was the hardest one yet and it was the first time I was really looking forward to it. I partially blame Valerie and her evilness for the pain and discomfort but mostly it was me.
I got new shoes that helped my knees not feel like they were on fire. I've been working out all week so I'm not starting from square one again. I've even been good on my calories and water intake. So why was today so miserable? And when I say miserable I do mean I was crying and contemplating how to seriously hurt or kill myself or Valerie. It wasn't one of those fun endorphin high workouts that everyone says you are sure to have when you go to the gym.
Val kept telling me not to shut down and asking what was wrong. Well, after a minute on the stupid elliptical I was having muscle spasms in my legs (which is totally new for me). Of course the more I stopped or begged for mercy the more she'd push and say she doesn't want to hear it. It hurt so freaking bad. Then she started saying this is where your mantra comes in. So I close my eyes and starting saying over and over "You can so do this, you don't think you can, but you can so do this!" Yeah, that lasted maybe a minute and suddenly I was screaming at myself in my head, you are a fucking liar! You are a lying piece of shit. If I could SO do this, then why the heck does it hurt? Why am I begging for anything other than this? Then I started thinking about our other work outs. The first week I ran for the first time in YEARS, probably even a decade. The second week we did a 5K. I didn't run it all, but I ran a little. But now, here I am with hopes and dreams of running the Disney marathon but I can't even get through 1 mile on an elliptical machine? So all of a sudden my mantra became you're a lying piece of shit. And it hurt. All of it hurt. My body, my mind, my spirit.
This week has been tough on my emotionally and mentally. I am preparing for a couple of good sized photo shoots (a wedding, 2 first communions and 2 confirmations in 2 months) and I keep having all these nightmares about how I won't be good enough. I will miss the crucial shot or my batteries will die or something awful will happen. This hit its peak Friday night and I went to bed confident that I was just not going to cut it as a photographer. And if I would fail at that, why should I be able to succeed at weight loss?
I don't feel like I have ever succeeded at anything. I always go in so gungho and then fizzle out for one reason or another. I didn't finish highschool, just enough to get into college, which I didn't finish either because I wanted to move around. I got my dream job (and I do mean dream job, I would have done anything to keep this job forever and would actually do anything to get it back) and then suddenly it was gone in the blink of an eye. At theater I went in with the intention of one day directing shows. That never happened. Its like I allow myself to not be good enough. Sometimes I even make myself not good enough, as if I know its my place to not be happy or succeed. I've always been aware of this too. Like when my parents didn't say they were proud of me, I assumed it was because there was no reason to be. When guys weren't asking me out I assumed it was because I wasn't worth their time. I still assume these things.
But why? Why should I be anything less than awesome? Why do I feel like I HAVE to fail? I wish I knew.
And as for this journey... Why not? Why should this be the same as all the others? Why not prove them wrong? I wish I knew what made me tick enough to just say, Clair, you're insane, your legs hurt but you'll live, now keep moving! Maybe that's part of what I have to find while I do this. Maybe I have to find whatever it is inside myself that holds me back from ever really doing anything worthwhile and kill it. I was fantasizing about different ways to kill Val on the elliptical about 15 minutes into it (sorry Val, but its true) but maybe I need to turn that anger and hurt towards the thing that is stopping me. Towards whatever that voice is that says "You're a lying piece of shit." Because honestly, that voice is the liar. I AM doing this. I haven't stopped counting calories and I still plan to make time for my workouts this week. Its not weigh in day so I don't know how many pounds if any I lost, but who cares about the scale. Its about keeping going and being healthier.
The other thing Val said to me today when I was trying to give up was Show up for me! I like that. I need to show up for myself with all this and not try to lock down. This is important. The cost and the rewards are all mine (although those who see me will get fringe benefits when I don't look half bad in a bathing suit anymore).
Anyhow, just wanted to get my thoughts out there. Val kept asking what was going through my head, but I couldn't say it because every time I tried I'd cry. So there you go Val, you made me cry today. You and your STUPID elliptical, wall sits, laps, running, deadlifts, toss, sit-ups and whatever that superman thing is... But I put in my 2 hours today. I don't know that I'm proud of myself today, actually I know I'm not. But I'm working on it.
I got new shoes that helped my knees not feel like they were on fire. I've been working out all week so I'm not starting from square one again. I've even been good on my calories and water intake. So why was today so miserable? And when I say miserable I do mean I was crying and contemplating how to seriously hurt or kill myself or Valerie. It wasn't one of those fun endorphin high workouts that everyone says you are sure to have when you go to the gym.
Val kept telling me not to shut down and asking what was wrong. Well, after a minute on the stupid elliptical I was having muscle spasms in my legs (which is totally new for me). Of course the more I stopped or begged for mercy the more she'd push and say she doesn't want to hear it. It hurt so freaking bad. Then she started saying this is where your mantra comes in. So I close my eyes and starting saying over and over "You can so do this, you don't think you can, but you can so do this!" Yeah, that lasted maybe a minute and suddenly I was screaming at myself in my head, you are a fucking liar! You are a lying piece of shit. If I could SO do this, then why the heck does it hurt? Why am I begging for anything other than this? Then I started thinking about our other work outs. The first week I ran for the first time in YEARS, probably even a decade. The second week we did a 5K. I didn't run it all, but I ran a little. But now, here I am with hopes and dreams of running the Disney marathon but I can't even get through 1 mile on an elliptical machine? So all of a sudden my mantra became you're a lying piece of shit. And it hurt. All of it hurt. My body, my mind, my spirit.
This week has been tough on my emotionally and mentally. I am preparing for a couple of good sized photo shoots (a wedding, 2 first communions and 2 confirmations in 2 months) and I keep having all these nightmares about how I won't be good enough. I will miss the crucial shot or my batteries will die or something awful will happen. This hit its peak Friday night and I went to bed confident that I was just not going to cut it as a photographer. And if I would fail at that, why should I be able to succeed at weight loss?
I don't feel like I have ever succeeded at anything. I always go in so gungho and then fizzle out for one reason or another. I didn't finish highschool, just enough to get into college, which I didn't finish either because I wanted to move around. I got my dream job (and I do mean dream job, I would have done anything to keep this job forever and would actually do anything to get it back) and then suddenly it was gone in the blink of an eye. At theater I went in with the intention of one day directing shows. That never happened. Its like I allow myself to not be good enough. Sometimes I even make myself not good enough, as if I know its my place to not be happy or succeed. I've always been aware of this too. Like when my parents didn't say they were proud of me, I assumed it was because there was no reason to be. When guys weren't asking me out I assumed it was because I wasn't worth their time. I still assume these things.
But why? Why should I be anything less than awesome? Why do I feel like I HAVE to fail? I wish I knew.
And as for this journey... Why not? Why should this be the same as all the others? Why not prove them wrong? I wish I knew what made me tick enough to just say, Clair, you're insane, your legs hurt but you'll live, now keep moving! Maybe that's part of what I have to find while I do this. Maybe I have to find whatever it is inside myself that holds me back from ever really doing anything worthwhile and kill it. I was fantasizing about different ways to kill Val on the elliptical about 15 minutes into it (sorry Val, but its true) but maybe I need to turn that anger and hurt towards the thing that is stopping me. Towards whatever that voice is that says "You're a lying piece of shit." Because honestly, that voice is the liar. I AM doing this. I haven't stopped counting calories and I still plan to make time for my workouts this week. Its not weigh in day so I don't know how many pounds if any I lost, but who cares about the scale. Its about keeping going and being healthier.
The other thing Val said to me today when I was trying to give up was Show up for me! I like that. I need to show up for myself with all this and not try to lock down. This is important. The cost and the rewards are all mine (although those who see me will get fringe benefits when I don't look half bad in a bathing suit anymore).
Anyhow, just wanted to get my thoughts out there. Val kept asking what was going through my head, but I couldn't say it because every time I tried I'd cry. So there you go Val, you made me cry today. You and your STUPID elliptical, wall sits, laps, running, deadlifts, toss, sit-ups and whatever that superman thing is... But I put in my 2 hours today. I don't know that I'm proud of myself today, actually I know I'm not. But I'm working on it.
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